we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
