I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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