capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
