Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
