I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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