dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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