life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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