the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
