Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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