Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
