Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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