Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
