Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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