I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
