You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
