What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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