You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
