One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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