shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
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you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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