How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
