Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
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The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
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Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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