I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
