the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
