i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
