I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm having to shit out rocks
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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