Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
