Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Your cock deserves a montage
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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