I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize