She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
