My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
