I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
