he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
