I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
