So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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