i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
