I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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