Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
