Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
