The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
