he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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