Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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