Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
