Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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