Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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