its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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