Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
