true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
