I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
