NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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