eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
