We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
