fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
