Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have demons in me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Randomize
