Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
