There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
