I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
