I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
